I Give Up, Take My Life!

When I was young I wanted to save the world! Save the world? Yes, save the world! I meant it in the literal sense too, I wanted to do something big like put an end to world hunger,or invent something that helped millions of people, or become the first woman president. Yes, the President!

I gave it my best effort too, but I felt like I was running on a treadmill set on high speed. No matter how hard I tried, I just wasn't getting anywhere. I remember thinking, "How can I save the world, I'm tired!"

With that reality check, I tried to sprinkle my life with excitement and my motto was, "You only live once! Carpe Diem - seize the day." Instead of saving the world, my new mission was to discover the secret to true happiness. This was a perilous fight!

Then she came along, a beautiful brown-eyed baby girl. I thought she was the answer to my life long search for fulfillment. I thought that being a mom would complete me because I was told that babies give unconditional love. On the contrary, I found motherhood to be overwhelming, because not only did I have one, but two lives to be responsible for. Instead of saving the world, instead of defining happiness, I realized it was time to "do the right thing" and do what is best for my husband and my daughter.

I grew up in a very traditional family which meant that my parents expected my baby to be baptized. She was almost 7 months old when I finally scheduled her baptism, so when I called my mom her response was predictable, "Finally, she said!" Expecting the same reaction from my Mother-in-law, I was completely caught off guard when she challenged me with a question that I was not prepared to answer. "What does baptism mean to you?"

I was confused! I thought, "Why she would ask such a silly question?" I replied rather matter-of-fact, "It's water and a commitment that we want to raise her the best way we can!" Just when I thought that was bad enough, her next comment was worse, "Well since it's obviously important to you, we will be there, but they better not put a drop of water on that babies forehead! I understand a baby dedication, but I don't think it is necessary for them to be baptized until they are older."

"What?.... WOW!" I thought. "Are you kidding me? Older? What if something happened to her? I wouldn't be able to live with myself!" "No one has ever challenged my belief's before and besides," my puzzled mind asked, "Why would someone have the nerve to challenge me at a time when I'm just trying to do the right thing?"

As we anticipated the arrival of family and friends, my husband made a comment that almost made my heart stop. "I would rather have my knees crushed than go to church today." (GULP)My husband, my best friend, the love of my life, whom I live with has this to say about this significant event? In all of my take charge, do good planning, I guess I never thought to consider his perspective or ever considered it would be different than my own.

Needless to say, I was numb. I had no response other than no response at all. I put on my best fake smile, but on the inside I was defeated. I was trying to understand how their could be three completely different views when all I was trying to do was THE RIGHT THING!

At the church and everyone seemed to be "into it." We gathered our place in the pew and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, the Pastor starts preaching on tithing. Oh NO!!! "Give more money" is the theme of the day! I found myself sitting amongst a crowd, but in-fact, I was completely alone. My mind was playing back each and every chapter of my life and that is when I came to realize that I don't know what I believe and I don't even know what "the right thing is." I felt like nothing that I could do, think, or say, would ever be right or good enough and it was at this very moment, I gave up!

I went through the motions of the baptism and as the offering plate was passed, I wrote out a check for every penny that I had in my account, set it into the offering, I plead... "God, I give up! I quit! I can't do it anymore! No matter how hard I try, enough is NEVER enough. Please take my money, my daughter, AND my life!"

I had NO idea what I just did. I thought all you needed to do was pray and ask Jesus to come into your heart which I been doing that since I was 10 years old. The difference in this prayer is that you completely surrender your life to God. There is nothing cliche about this prayer, it's real, it's genuine, and it's humble.

I still desire to make my mark on this planet, but I want to do it by encouraging others who might still be seeking after worldy accomplishments or lacking joy and happiness. I want to LIVE OUT LOUD to show others how my life has been transformed and I want to be Christ's Ambassador. (2 Corinthians 5:20)

Every now and then I catch myself looking into those big brown eyes and I think to myself, "I gave my life for you." Oh what a miraculous story, that Jesus actually gave His life for me! Live Out Loud and pass it on!